The Time for Dreaming is Over

Photo from Image created by me using Adobe Creative Suite software.

Since the moment that 9-year-old me first caught a glimpse of the breathtaking skyline while riding in the middle row of my family’s silver van, I knew I loved New York City.

In hindsight, I can admit my opinion was not based on anything positive I knew about the city — in fact, it was quite the opposite. All I knew about NYC was that my sister lived there (with more neighbors in a 2 mile radius than I could ever count to), that it was more dangerous and much dirtier than my hometown (Louisville, KY), and that it was, according to my parents at the time, “too noisy and too expensive.”

But I didn’t care.

I had an immediate instinct about the city and I held on fiercely to that notion.

Then, as time passed, that gut feeling only strengthened. 

As I got older, I realized my love for writing, and it even started to seem like I was meant to live there. I wanted to become one of the little glowing stars in the skyline I saw behind my eyelids each time I went to sleep.

The magazines and publishing houses I dreamed of working for were based out of the city, and at times it really felt like the stars had aligned to say, “Move to the cramped island already, Breanna!” 

I didn’t just want to move there, I had to.

But then I took off my rose-colored glasses, life events got in the way, and I pushed my ‘destiny’ back. I went to college in my hometown, not in the city.

When I graduated I got a job in St. Louis, MO and moved there — not to the city.

I applied for other jobs over and over again in NYC and sometimes didn’t even get so much as a courtesy rejection email. 

I could no longer see those glowing towers and smell the sweat on the asphalt when I closed my eyes. The NYC in my dreams had vanished.

Now, almost 13 years to the day since I first saw the skyscrapers twinkling in the distance, I’ve decided it’s time to stop looking at the city on the back of my eyelids and see it in person. It’s time to stop dreaming and make that picture a reality.

So in the past month, I’ve lined up an apartment to move into on August 1. I’ve been working overtime to save up money to have a safety net when I get there, and dedicated my spare time to applying for jobs and downsizing as much as I can to fit into my new, much smaller and much more expensive space.

In a way, I felt a sense of relief the moment I finally decided it was official. I realized I just needed to make the plunge and stop waiting for some sign or a job that I may or may not ever get.

Then, only a few moments later, I felt terrified. All of my fears were at the forefront of my mind, each one more stress-inducing than the last.

What if I don’t meet any new people that actually become friends? How long will my ‘safety net’ last? What if I’m not able to get a part-time job to make ends meet until I find a full-time position? What if I go there and realize it’s nothing like I thought it would be? What if I fail?

Fighting the overwhelming inclination I felt to give in to the panic attack, I focused on remembering the memory of how undauntingly convinced I was that I would live there someday. It helped remind me that it’s not going to do me any good to worry before I get there. All I can do is focus on saving as much money as I can and apply for as many jobs as possible and save the other worries for when I can actually do something about them.

The time for dreaming is over. I’ve finally woken up.

A Month of Setbacks -or- Embrace Failure

Thank you to everyone who has continued to interact with me over the last month despite my lack of posting. It would be easy to make excuses but I’ll try not to do that and just call it what it was — I got busy, had some disappointments on the career front, and honestly just didn’t feel motivated to sit down and write like I should have. The Wanderluster Blog fell down on the totem pole of priorities and I’m sorry for that.

But, the good news is that I’ve learned from these setbacks and it’s given me some new ideas for the blog. Silver lining, am I right?

Keep an eye out over the next five days — I’ll have two more posts up by Tuesday.

In the meantime, here are some inspirational words of advice that are helping me right now. And happy Hump Day!

Photo by Alexis Doyen / Design by Alice Mongkongllite for BuzzFeed
Photo by Alexis Doyen / Design by Alice Mongkongllite for BuzzFeed.

The Speechless Storyteller

It’s a weird feeling. The moment when you’re looking around and you simultaneously want to describe everything you’re seeing and feeling to everyone you know, but yet somehow can’t seem to find the right words.

It happens when you least expect it. One second you’re trudging uphill, out of breath and unable to concentrate on anything except how much your feet hurt, the next second you’re rounding a corner and your breathing stops and your feet stop moving — only it’s not because of the pain. It’s because you just came around a corner and saw something so beautiful you remember why you bothered to walk on through the pain in the first place. 

It was for this moment, though you were never sure exactly when this moment might be, that you kept going for. That you pushed yourself for. That for which you decided, “This is all worth it.”

And you’re not wrong.

These moments happen at different times and different places to different people for different reasons, but they do happen.

And once they do, after the initial shock wears off and you gain the ability to articulate some piece of what you’re thinking and feeling again, you’re left with an overwhelming feeling to share it. All of it. The pain, the parts where you thought you might quit, the second guessing, the parts where you realized you weren’t going to quit, the home stretch that seemed to last a lifetime; and the part where, after all these other things had passed, that you finally made it.

Maybe you made it to the top of the 14er. Maybe you made it to the city you’d been waiting your entire life to see. Or maybe you were walking down your street for the thousandth time and for some reason it all looked different.

Whatever it was, it changed you. And whether you traveled a mile or a hundred miles or a thousand miles to get to there doesn’t matter.

What matters is, what are you going to do now that you’re there?

Quote by Ibn Battuta. Image created by me using Adobe Illustrator.
Quote by Ibn Battuta. Image created by me using Adobe Illustrator.

Travel Light

Quote by Cesare Pavese. Image created by me using Adobe Illustrator.
Quote by Cesare Pavese. Image created by me using Adobe Illustrator.

Consider this post a friendly reminder to let go of the things that don’t matter.

But this is a task that’s undoubtedly easier said than done. I know I sometimes get so wrapped up in the emotions surrounding a trip that I can lose sight of why I’m going in the first place. I forget the excitement and the wonder and instead focus on the stress: the stress of packing right without overpacking, the stress of making it to the planes or trains I need to catch, the stress of balancing expenses to last me through the trip, the stress of seeing all the people I promised I’d make the time to see; in addition to the places I wanted to venture off to alone.

I think it all goes back to my tendency to overthink things…

Which is why this quote hit me so hard last week when I first read it. It still hasn’t left me quite yet. And I hope you consider what traveling light really means to you, too.

For me, it feels like this quote by Italian poet Cesare Pavese was originally intended to apply to day-to-day emotions we need to let go of in order to move forward in life.

Jealous of that coworker who seems to truly have it all? Holding a grudge against the guy who didn’t call you back? More concerned about getting your afternoon nap in than helping your friend with that favor they asked? Or maybe on some level, just all-around deeply terrified you’re going to fail pursuing your goals if you were to ever actually try?


Take a deep breath.

Let it out.

Do it again.

Now think about what (or who) is weighing on your mind. If it’s keeping you down or holding you back, it’s probably time to let go.

Step 1: Let go of envies and jealousies.

Can you objectively look at why that coworker seems to have it all? Do they have a talent or way of approaching their work that you can learn from? Or can you take them out to coffee, get to know them better and realize they’re — (just banking on the odds, here) human — and that they, too, have problems that might not have been so obvious? Can you make a new friend and turn that jealousy and envy into support and productivity?

Step 2: Stop holding on to unforgiveness.

If that guy didn’t call you back, do you really want him to now? If he’s so easily willing to cast you aside why shouldn’t you be willing to do the same in your mind? There are actually simple solutions sometimes, and this is one of those instances. Move on. Spend time with new people. Holding a grudge against him won’t make him suddenly realize what he lost — but it will make you lose out on other things in the process.

Step 3: Get rid of selfishness.

If you’d rather nap than do your friend a favor, you need to ask yourself two questions. Is this person really my friend? And if they are, Why am I being selfish? And even if they aren’t your friend, Should I help them anyway? We’ve all heard the age-old adage “What goes around comes around.” And though I wish this were always true, the reality is that it’s not. Life is not a children’s fiction novel where all of the heroes come to good ends and the villains come to bad ends. Some people who are selfish and greedy and self-involved might not ever have to deal with the repercussions of their actions. So here is where you make a decision about the person you want to be. Do you want to be selfish? No? Great! Now grab a cup of coffee and go help your friend.

Step 4: Overcome your fears.

Perhaps the hardest step of them all; fear can cripple you, removing any hope of ever moving forward in life. Thus, the question you have to ask yourself is: How bad do you want it? You have to decide for yourself how much work you’re willing to put into it. You have to decide you want to save that extra $50 for your dream trip than go out with your friends this weekend. You have to decide to devote the time to improving your photography and editing skills, decide to work out regularly in order to lose that extra weight, decide to put all efforts into getting that next promotion at your job. Whatever it is, you have to decide you want it. And then you have to decide you want it again and again and again, every day you wake up, until you have it. It’s not just going to fall in your lap because you’re willing it to — you have to decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

Step 5: Move forward.

It won’t be easy, and it won’t happen overnight, but if you can do these things, you will move forward. It might not be exactly what you envisioned, but you will find yourself in a better place. Whether that’s literally somewhere else in the world or just confined to the spaces within your sanity is up to you.

Just remember to travel light when you go.